Ok, you know what? I'm done. You can continue to spread your lies and hate and not let anyone defend themselves (I guess that's the only way you can win an argument, have it one sided?). I can no longer care. I have watched you cause additional pain to the people I love, and I'm done. You act as if you are the ONLY one allowed to grieve. I have allowed myself to get wrapped up in your hate, again. It irritates me that I allow myself to stoop to your juvenile level. So, please continue to play your childish games, and spread the lies, but just know this. WE KNOW THE TRUTH! We know the truth as told by YOU! The truth that you don't want your "friends" to know. We know what you did and did NOT do on the day of and the days leading up to his death. We know!
From here on out, every time I feel my disdain for you begin to build up, I will pray. I will pray for you, the children, and for him.
This is the last time I will devote any of my blog time to you. You can continue to creep it, but will see nothing! I will start a new one, if you feel the need to stalk and find it, that is your lunacy to deal with not mine.

Just a thought

A few years ago I ran into an old friend, who had gotten married about a year and a half before. We spoke for about 10 minutes and during that short conversation, he told me at least 5 times how happy he was and how happy he was in his married life. I remember thinking, "who are you trying to convince...me or YOU?". They are now divorced, due to infidelity on both sides and one questionable paternity. My point is this, if you are happy you usually don't have to tell people that you are, they can just tell. Also, if you are happily married, do people usually question it? Just a thought...

Whoa, it's been while. There has been quite a bit going on lately. Let's see...where to start?



Kids...Greyson is playing football, and having a blast. He has always been very sensitive and passive, so he has had a little trouble learning to be aggressive. It's fun to watch, but he's getting in there! I was so proud of him today, he helped cause a fumble, he actually got on the receiver first and then another Falcon helped bring him down. That's my boy!!! He has started 2nd grade and is loving his teacher! We're still having issues with him talking too much in class, but he seriously comes by that honestly! I'm hoping he'll outgrow this or mature and realize that there is a time and place for conversation (like I did - haha). He and Audra really have a special relationship already. She loves her Bubba, they both do this gurgly sound in the back of their throat, no one else in the house can do it, so he'll do it and then she'll do it back. It's hilarious. She actually loves both of her brothers! She looks at them so adoringly, it's so sweet.



Colton has really started to calm down, I can't really call him "my monster" anymore. I can even take him to the store and not have to put him in the buggy anymore. I guess he really did outgrow it. I think a lot of it was the new baby, it was such an adjustment for him. For such a long time it was just me and him during the day in the old house. Then boom! We have a baby, spend a couple of weeks at Ma-Ma and Pa-Pa's ("Ma's house, eat meents, house" as he calls it), then the school year ended and Greyson was home all day. THEN, we moved into a whole new house. So many changes for a not quite 3 year old. One evening, a few weeks after we moved into the new house, we were driving home from my parents', when we got to the intersection where we now turn right (to get to the old house we turned left), he started to whine and said, "No Mommy, our home is that way". Kinda broke my heart. I guess he's starting to adjust to all of the changes.



Audra is getting so big, and I mean BIG! At her 4 month check up she was 16.2 lbs (91%) and 25" (75%). She has already outgrown her 3-6 month winter clothes, some of which she hasn't worn yet. She is growing so fast, and starting to really come to life. I forgot how much fun it is, the first year. I feel like I really missed out on a lot with Colton's first year because I was working so many hours. I'm really trying to just enjoy every second, and absorb everything that she does. I got this crazy idea in my head that I will never rock one of my own babies so she is SO spoiled!! She will not go to sleep unless I'm rocking her. It's horrible, she'll lay there and scream her head off and I'll pick her up and rock her for 60 seconds and she's out. Terrible!! LOL I decided that next week, we're going to work on naps without rocking. Wish me luck! She's also getting loud enough to compete with her brothers. She lays on her play mat and squeals, and laughs, and talks. It's so funny to watch.


When I first started to write this a few days ago, I was excited because I thought I was going to be re-joining the working "stiffs", but not now. Tobin was laid off from work a little over a month ago and I figured it would be at least after the first of the year before he got a call back. The hall called today and he goes back on Monday. I'm happy that he's going back, although I was looking forward to working part time. He'll be working on College Station, which is a pretty far drive and with his school on Saturdays, it would be pretty difficult for me to work, even part time. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kiddos every day, but a Mommy needs a break every now and again. I really am going to miss having Tobin around every day. I didn't think I would until he told me he got the call. LOL We're annoying the crap out of each other, but I'm still going to miss him. We are one of those couples that can't spend every waking moment together, we start to nit-pick. haha! We both really need "me" time.

I know there is at least one person who was elated to hear that Tobin was laid off and hoping that we would lose our house, savings, and/or marriage (you know who you are). To you, let me say this...I tried for a long time, and did succeed for a short time, to hate you too. I realized a few weeks ago that I don't (I can't) truly hate you, to it takes too much energy and I just don't want to waste that precious commodity. Plus, the negative feelings were eating me up. Just know that I do pity you, I pray for you and hope that you find a way let go of all of the hate that you have. Maybe one day if you can find a way to be happy with yourself and your life you can then realize that I should not have that kind of effect on you or your life. Let go, I have. I didn't want to waste the time to write this, but I am so tired of it all.

All in all, things are pretty good, we're settling in and the house is starting to feel like home. My babies are doing great, and Tobin and I have weathered another storm. We will take our days as God gives them to us and are thankful for everything that we have. Starting Monday, I will be focused on keeping Colton's horns at bay at dealing with Tobin going back to work. :-D

Well...

Wow! In the past week or so I have really started to feel human again, I would even dare to say I'm feeling pretty good. It's very weird to explain if you've never experienced it. It's almost like I was walking around in a daze, under a cloud. The worst part is that my life is so wonderfully blessed that I have absolutely NO reason to feel any sort of down!
I gave up my membership to Curves. It was kind of boring, for me. I like to really get my heart rate up. I joined LA Fitness and have been taking the classes and working on the cardio machines. I think that's part of what has helped nip this PPD in the bud! Something about good exercise that makes me feel so good. I told Tobin that when I was working out before I got pregnant with Audra, was the best I have felt in my life, physically, emotional, mentally. I am now 6 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, but I'm wondering if after 3 c-sections...will my belly ever resemble anything close to what it did before? LOL I tried to do an ab machine at the gym today, I had it on the lowest weight setting and COULD NOT get it down. Whew! They are shot. Maybe I'll start saving for a tummy-tuck. ;-) Naw!
Tobin and I went through a sort of stressful situation a few weeks ago. Drama caused by outside sources. Something which I would have thought could drive a wedge between us, but it has actually brought us closer. Anyone that has been married for any length of time is aware that all marriages go through ups and downs, and anyone who has known Tobin and me knows that we have had our share. I think that we, right now, are the strongest and closest that we have ever been. I was thinking the other day that, I can't call him the man of my dreams, because I would have never thought to dream this big. He's a wonderful husband and an amazing father. Now, you know if I thought he'd read this, I wouldn't say that, his head is big enough.
The kiddos are doing great! Greyson started 2nd grade and is loving it and his teacher! He also started tackle football, which he's not so crazy about. We tried to tell him, but he didn't believe, that he would not just do the hitting, but would also GET hit. We're hoping that once they start playing games (just in practice now), he'll enjoy it more. Colton is adjusting to Greyson not being here, he really missed his "Bubba" the first few days. We have started working on letters and the sounds they make. He's picking it up very well. He recognizes his name and most of the vowels. He's a smart little cookie! Audra is doing great and growing like a little weed, she was over 15 lbs at her appointment last week (3 mos), she has developed reflux and is throwing up all day. We have been trying what the doctor recommended for about a week and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm going to call the doctor again on Monday.
All in all, things are going well. We are all healthy and happy, who could ask for anything more?

Stuff and stuff...

Not a lot going on...I joined Curves, it's a 30 minute circuit workout of hydraulic machines mixed with light cardio. I've also found a Zumba class to go to a couple of times a week. The Zumba class was different that the ones I used to take at the Y, the moves were the same, but I didn't care for the music. I'm sure I'll get used to it. I'm trying to stay very positive and on track, it's hard since what is bringing me down isn't anything I can control. That is part of what really ticks me off!!!! That I can't control it, I am a bit of a control freak and the fact that I can't control this....OH IT MAKES ME SO MAD.
I hate to sound like I don't know how truly blessed I am, I know. I have everything that I've ever wished for plus more than I could have ever imagined to wish for. I have a great husband, who is trying so hard to be there for me right now and trying to understand why I break down in tears for absolutely NO reason. I have 3 healthy, beautiful, intelligent and hilarious kids who crack me up on a daily basis. Plus so much more.

Greyson has become the best big brother to Audra (Colton still irritates the crap out of him LOL). Audra was in the living room in her Boppy, I was in the bathroom with Colton, she started to fuss and got pretty stirred up. She stopped by the time I was done with Colt so I went in to check on her. Greyson was sitting on the floor watching cartoons and cradling her in his lap, she was as happy as can be. It was so dang cute.
Colton is still...Colton. If you know him that is all that needs to be said about that one. If not, he is the cheekiest little thing that you'll ever meet. Everywhere we go he has to check out the bathrooms. He says he has to go potty, you take him in and he usually doesn't have to go. LOL We went to my Mother's-in-law office family picnic, for the first 15 min we were there he was talking in the growly voice, everything he'd say. I was laughing so hard I could hardly ask him what he wanted. Who knows!?!? Kid's a mess.
Audra is getting too big too fast, she has me wrapped around her finger. I don't know if it's because I know for fact that she is my last (part of why I think I'm a little depressed, it's SO final) or because she's a girl, but I want to hold her all the time. Not that I have time for that, but I want to regardless. LOL She has gotten so chunky already, her little legs are starting to get the michelin man look and she's got 2 (working on 3) chins. LOL In the past week she has started to "talk" and really interact and smile at us. It's adorable.
Right now, I'm trying to live moment by moment and take it all in. I don't want to look back at this time and remember the funk, I want to remember it as the time that we had just moved into our new house and Greyson was 7, Colton was 2 and Audra was 9 weeks.

Damn postpartum.

Ok, so I'm 3 and 0 with this crap now! It's very frustrating, to feel so lonely while you're surrounded by so many people who love you, and to know the cause but not be able to do anything about it. I really thought I'd avoid it this time, with so many wonderful things going on, I thought somehow whatever hormonal changes that occur with me post pregnancy would somehow vanish with out any hint that they were ever there. For about a week right after we moved into the house, I thought I was over it, thought maybe it was just the "postpartum blues", but once the excitement of the move wore off and we settled back into a routine it set back in.
Tobin doesn't understand, hell I don't either! I just know I feel like crap! He stays away from me for the most part, probably for fear of getting his head bitten off! This is our 3rd baby, you'd think by now he'd expect it. LOL
I'm going this week to join a gym to start working out again hoping that will kick this depression in the ass. I really missed working out when I was pregnant, and now I just feel like a fat lump! I really diluted myself into thinking that because I only gained 27 lbs that I would be back into my pre-preggo clothes in a couple of months...WELL, it's been almost 2 mos and I'm NOT. I forgot how long after a c-section it takes your belly to go back to normal, and with each one it seems to get worse. I told Tobin, I don't think after this one it is ever going to go back to anything resembling "normal".
Well, that's all!
Hopefully I'll be feeling like myself again in a few weeks. At least this time I'm at home and only making my husband miserable and not an entire office full of co-workers. :-)

Chaos!!!!!!!!!

...and the chaos ensues!!! About 6 months into my pregnancy, my sweet little angel toddler grew devil horns and began to channel the Tasmanian Devil. Staying home with him has become a chore, Tobin laughs and says "I couldn't do it!". I can't even go into enough detail to explain how he acts, it's constant. He NEVER stops moving. He'll blow through a clean room leaving a trail of destruction behind him, knocked over cups, toys everywhere, sofa decor pillows and throw blankets on the floor, anything and everything out of it's place. Then he'll turn around and give you the most innocent (but very mischievous look) and you can't help but laugh. We also joke that he is a "snake charmer", everyone who meets him says "he's so CUTE", Tobin and I laugh that you can almost see their eyes spinning (like a cartoon character being hypnotised). Anyway...a couple of days before I delivered Audra, my Mom tells me "you know the third child will add enough chaos that it will seem like you have 10, for some reason that third one seems to multiply the chaos 10 times more than the other 2 combined". Thanks, Mom, you couldn't have told me this BEFORE we decided that we had to have another. LOL

Well, it has begun and poor Greyson seems to be getting swept up in the chaotic dust of the two little ones. The other day, I was making lunch for the boys, they were outside playing so I called them in to wash their hands. They come running in the house, Greyson is screaming "Colton stepped in dog poop w/his bare feet". Ok no problem. I took him outside sprayed is foot off, cleaned it up w/some dish soap and got the boys in to eat. I had already fed Audra, she was sleeping in the Boppy on the couch, so I start to make my lunch. Now for the chaos...I start to make my lunch, Audra starts screaming, Colton starts yelling that he's done and ready to get up, I get him up. The boys go back outside, I get Audra settled and try to finish w/my lunch. Just as I get it done and ready to eat, Audra starts screaming again, I go over to check on her just as she starts pucking up the whole bottle I'd just given her. It was coming out of her nose and mouth, then Colton comes running in again w/dog poop all over his feet, this time getting it all over the floor...

Bedtime has become a nightmare! We are still staying with my parents, we close on the house tomorrow (thank God!!), but every night Colton screams his head off for at least an hour after he is put to bed. Now Audra has decided that she doesn't seem to like evenings either! She fusses and cries and wants to eat and eat and eat until at least midnight. Again, poor Greyson is
is practically being ignored (the squeaky wheel syndrome). He's such a good big brother, though.

I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining, I love my babies more than life itself. Tonight, I just started to laugh. What else can you do, I just keep thinking about that country song "You're gonna miss this". I know that one day they are all going to be doing their own thing, or gone and I'm going to miss them wanting me to hold them before they go to bed. Lord know, I miss it with Greyson already. He's too grown up for that. :-(